Perseverance

On a day when the dream that you've put your entire life on hold for seems to be falling apart, there is not much that you think could make you smile.

My phone rings, and I look down at the name. It's someone I look up to, and hold in very high respects. Someone I had SMS'd an hour or so ago informing him that my student visa to Brazil had been denied. I clear my throat trying to find a semblance of strength in my voice, but I'm pretty confident that he'll know I'm crumbling. I'm falling apart on the inside.

"Hello?" I sound like I don't know who's on the other end of this call, and I don't even know why I did that. I'm now speaking to the guy that introduced me to the Holy Spirit. The guy that first sat me down when I decided to become a missionary and talked me through all the logistics of this decision. The guy that I spend every year with making plans to serve the youth, and to run mission trips. And here I am pretending I don't know who he is.

"Hey man. You ok?"

Why does he have to ask that question? If I say that I am then I know that I'll be lying to him. If I'm honest, and say no, then I'll probably crack in my voice and sound like I'm in puberty.

"I'll be okay.." It's not a lie, I guess.

After all, I'm sure it's just the shock of now having no way to get into Brazil that is playing with my emotions. Besides, it's only a visa. I'm still doing okay. But it was my way in. It was my plan. My plane ticket still says December 2nd, but now I have no way of passing the border. How am I supposed to stay there to help be a father figure to these street kids when I'm not allowed into the country for more than three months?

The conversation continues as I explain my dire hopelessness. I make it sound much worse than it probably is, but right now, all my mind can think of is the complete collapse of everything I have been building over the last three years. He just listens.

"Look, you've had a really smooth road up to now. Almost too smooth. You've had no reason to have any faith up until now."

He's right, you know. Everything has been going exactly according to plan. Something I've thought of often before, but shoved it into my subconscious. He then reminds me of the many mission trips we've gone on and how the ones that have been filled with the most impact were the ones with the biggest challenges before hand. He poses the question of the significance of doing something for God with no resistance.

"God does sometimes close doors to guide you, but He has been opening doors for this. The Devil also attempts to close doors, but he does it to stop you. It's up to you to bash through those doors. It's time for your faith to persevere."

This conversation suddenly becomes a lot more difficult for me, because I know he's right. Besides, what do I want to tell my kids one day? That in the days where everything seemed to fall apart, I fell apart with it? Or that I was able to stay strong and rely on my faith in God when there seemed to be nothing else to hold on to. I remember the words of my pastor from Sunday morning, "Look for opportunities to exercise your faith." I need to put these words into practice right now. Nobody ever achieved anything great by giving up.

"I have to go now, but we must get together soon just to talk through everything."

I thank him for the chat, hang up the phone, and pull away from everything I was doing. I close my eyes and begin to pray. I begin to worship God, knowing that He is still worthy no matter what happens to me. He is still in control, and He is still my greatest reward.

And because of that, I can persevere.